Internal conflict I may never resolve

Date Submitted: 09/02/2002
Author Info: Michelle (San Antonio, TX - USA) 
Occupation: Education/Training
Lived in NY on 9.11.01?: No
Knew someone who perished?: No

I am in shock that it has almost been a year since that horrid day. As with most people I remember EXACTLY where I was, I was at the 7-11 getting my early morning sugar fix. I am one of those people who have so much going on that I occasionally forget some of the most obvious things. While I was standing in line I heard on the store radio something about the WTC being hit. My fist thinking was that it was April fools (like I said, I forget some simple things) and the radio station was playing a joke. I paid for my sugar and went to my car. Then it hit me, it’s not April! It’s September!

I quickly turned on the radio and was in disbelief at what I was hearing. I called my family to turn on the news and I headed off to work. I spent the day in a daze at what had happened. I still had not seen the video of what had happened, only still images I could get from the internet. My husband (now ex) at the time was in the Navy and I didn’t know his fate. In a weird sense I was happy at the thought of him leaving as he is an abuser and I was waiting for an opportunity to get away from him. I have never felt so emotionally torn, saddened by the magnitude of the events and elated that my husband had a real chance of leaving and releasing me from the abuse so that I could leave him.

I spent the day trying to get hold of him and to try to make some sense of this. It wasn’t until that night when I finally got home and was able to watch the video of what had happened that it all hit me. I was alone in my apartment with my dog crying my eyes out at how horrid a death that would be for anyone and realizing that this day would change my life and my marriage.

9-11 has not left my thoughts and I still try to think about how that day not only affected so many who were personally involved with the tragedy but I think about the many who were affected in ways that no one knows.

That day was the begining of the road for freedom for me from the abuse I had endured from my husband while finishing school. I have dealt with the guilt of being thankful for the catalyst in ending my marriage yet so deeply saddened by what happened to so many of my brothers and sisters that I never knew. It’s a conflict that I will probably never resolve.


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